Even Better

A year ago today I lay in an office, anxiously awaiting pins and needles. I was a complete stranger to the office and felt every bit of that strangeness. I didn't know if I should be clothed, or naked like a massage. Should I sit up or lay down? Does the process take place in silence or do we make small talk? In my typical reserved manner, I blabbered all these concerns, questions, and unknowns in the first 60 seconds of meeting my acupuncturist. She told me to get comfortable- whatever my definition of that was {....CLOTHED}, to lay down, and she started chit-chatting while inconspicuously inserting needles into my feet, shoulders, and hands. The procedure, accompanied by minimal massaging, was far from invasive, leaving me with the decisive conclusion....I'd just been ripped off. My friends swore it was more than a wife's tale, that pointed acupuncture would initiate the birthing process. Their children were proof that it worked. And I wanted to be another statistic.  On a whim I got Yosh to agree to this ludicrous plan {that I was  sure probably wouldn't work anyway.} After that uneventful 2:00 hour in Heidi's room, I was convinced I had just thrown away $100. Either way, it was a valiant effort to cross promoted wife's tales off the "to-try" list. 

My conservative attitude didn't scare off the contractions. They started slow and steady and persisted through the night. Still groping to believe the success of that 60 minute session, I cautiously drove myself to the hospital- 'cautiously' as in I still wasn't admitting I was actually in labor and that acupuncture actually worked. And therefore there was no reason to actually call my husband and disturb his work day to come chauffeur me to the hospital. But a nurse's probing at 8:30 am left no question. Yy subconscious reverse-psychology had worked like a charm and reality was I had achieved the long-desired result...I truly was in labor. That 2:00 pm appointment turned into an 11:55 am birth the next morning. Arguably the best $100 I've spent up to this point. I finally had my Kaia Marie to touch, and smell, and admire, and kiss.

I already knew I loved her. But there were many things I was yet to learn.

I didn't know that my rugged boys knew to treat a princess with such tenderness. From their initial meeting, their ability to interact with love needed no coaching and instinctively found new depth.

I didn't know this one baby would change our family dynamic more than any of the previous. Her effect has been beyond fascinating to me- as I witness the softness she has brought to our tones, the smiles she effortlessly yields, a presence that invites acknowledgment. Fascination is a mild description of my wonderment.

I didn't know that a daddy/daughter bond was soft, subtle, yet wired with live current.

I didn't know that I would crave her company, that I would NEED her with me the first few months of her life; that I would selfishly provide her nurture the first 5 months.

I didn't know what it was like to look at a baby and see a reflection of myself. I had seen my husband imprinted in a sweet baby's face before, but never myself. It was a feeling of awe, a swelling of pride, a moment of full circle.

I didn't know that my greeting to Yosh when he walks in the door would pale a million shades compared to the greeting he receives from his daughter.

I didn't know her simple femininity would crusade a respect for women in her mama's heart. Her mere presence has led a mental march to discover my own worth as a woman so that I can pass it on to her. I love the newly added weight.

I didn't know that anyone other than Tom Cruise possessed a million dollar smile.

I didn't know that she would be the perfect harmony to compliment our solid melody. 3 boys and 1 girl sounds like imbalance, but mysteriously it plays perfection in our home.

I didn't know she would have the ability as baby #4 to provide me with so many "firsts". I did know she would be the source of so many "lasts", and I treasured a lot of simple moments.

I didn't know that more than wanting, our little family needed this baby girl to complete it.

She's been the most precious reminder of what family is. As we've all been pulled together by her tender influence, she's silently preached the basics. That family is love. And time. And laughing. And caring. And enjoying. And seeking. And relishing. But most of all....that family is love. A profound lesson for a sweet baby to carry.

Our 1 day short of 1 year-old, Kai Kai Marie