To Reality

{Here's part I to this story!}

From the second Roo had her baby, I knew I was going to be induced with my next. There wasn't a chance in H-E- double hockey sticks I was gonna take the chance of happening to me what happened to her. Nope. My final words after participating in the side-by-side births were........."I like drugs." And I maintained that position as I sought out a new doctor for our next baby, a doctor that would commit to inducing me.

And so the day for induction came. I drove myself right on up to those hospital doors, checked in at 6:30 am, and by 7:15ish they had me hooked up to the IVs that were slowly injecting the pitocin. So the pitocin was running through my veins or blood. Or wherever pitocin runs. At 8:00 the doctor- or maybe nurse?- broke my water. I was feeling good and didn't request an epidural yet. Somewhere around 8:30 Yosh called and said he was on his way even though I wasn't feeling a thing and we were still a ways off from go time.  By the time he got there at 9:15ish, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable with every contraction. I requested my epidural, but settled for some other little drug until the anesthesiologist got out of his C-section and was available. Sometime after 10:00 I was ringing the bell for the nurse. I was all, "I don't know but I'm feeling a lot of pressure...." She checked me for the first time since breaking my water......."Oh my gosh, don't push, don't do anything. You're full. We need to get the doctor. WE NEED THE DOCTOR."

I needed an epidural. She knew this, right? I NEED AN EPIDURAL.

"But I can still get an epidural right?" Because when you throw in "right?" at the end, that can't be answered with a no, right? It's like giving you the answer to the question. Almost like a rhetorical question. MY QUESTION WAS THE ANSWER....GET ME MY EPIDURAL.

"OH NO. There's no time for an epidural. This baby's coming." Dr. Steve showed up and joined the trauma team because this was nothing less than PURE TRAUMA. He heard the nurse and looked at my sad, desperate eyes, and repeated the naked fact...."There's no time for an epidural. It wouldn't do any good."

And in that exact moment my world stopped. Like halted. My brave smile disappeared. I started bawling. Face-buried-in-my-big-ole-pregnant-boobies sobbing. I was on repeat, "This is my worst nightmare. I don't understand how this happened. This is my worst nightmare." And I meant every word that was escaping my mouth. I literally didn't get it. I had done EVERYTHING I could... to keep me out of this exact predicament. How in the world did this happen? I was beyond bewildered. I have never felt so desperate as I literally shuffled through those storage files in my brain, searching for an exit route for that one night 9 months ago. Surely there was some way I could go back and change it all. YES, I really thought that....I no longer wanted to be pregnant. There was too big of a gap between my expectations and reality. And I wanted out. Period.

I wasn't alone in my sadness. I don't think I've ever since Yosh look so helpless and Dr. Steve was a sorry site as well. I told you....TRAUMA.

But this was no movie and there was no way to retract the steps. As abruptly as my world stopped, it was just as quickly time for it to start spinning again. This baby was coming and the drugs weren't. It was time for us all to just DEAL.

Yoshi was holding my hand and cheering me on, just as I had done to my sis. He told me I could do this. {Shoot, more appropriately was the truth that I couldn't NOT do this!} I got all geared up to experience the worst pain of my life. The tears stopped, the quivering voice didn't despite the game face, "Ok, I'm ready." And with that, I was told to start pushing.

Well, let me tell you what "pushing" is like. It's like throwing gasoline on your skin- your tender skin nonetheless if you know what I mean- and throwing a match on it. BURN. It is intense burning and stretching. And what would you do if you were on fire? Scream bloody murder. And I did just that. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Yes, identical to my sister's-those screams that knew absolutely no limits. Such depth that you would've thought my very heart was being ripped from me. So vulnerable, they were revealing each and every individual emotion I was feeling. Leaving nothing for the imagination. Was I embarrassed as I had been for her? Are you kidding me? I could have cared less. In fact, I wasn't concerned with who could hear me, I was more concerned with who couldn't hear me. BECAUSE I WANTED EVERYBODY TO HEAR MY PAIN........and feel  sorry for me. I daydreamed for days after this of my husband making a pocket call and some innocent family member being an eavesdropper to the most vulnerable, heart-wrenching 20 minutes of my life, and thus, feel sorry for and indebted to me....for the rest of my life. Yes, I wanted EVERYBODY to be aware of my pain. And as if my screams weren't a sufficient expression, then maybe my declothing act would be. I was ripping at that little, ugly hospital gown trying to get it OFF MY BODY.....Because I WAS HOT. A hot mess. But I wanted to be a hot, NAKED mess. But I. couldn't. get. the. gown. off. All I could do was scream. So that's what I did.

My screaming didn't faze Dr. Steve for one second. If anything it fueled his adrenaline. Homeboy was in business mode like you wouldn't believe. He was slightly squatted, right at the crotch, intense face and eyes, yelling me the cliff notes of how to birth a baby naturally.  "DON'T THINK V*GINA, THINK CONSTIPATION." And I would push and scream and he would yell,  "DON'T THINK V*GINA, THINK CONSTIPATION." With a straight face. How did he manage? I don't know, but apparently that was all I needed to know to push this baby out.

And out he finally came. At 10:42 am. Right from the doctor's arms, to the smiling nurse's hands, and then to his mama's loving chest---- "GET THAT BABY OFF ME" ....said like only an erratic, insane mom can say it.

I passed the threshold of pain, Dr. Steve relinquished his IV of adrenaline, and Yosh grabbed the video camera. Baby Porter Pistol Pope accepted life. The life that 20 minutes ago I didn't want to give him.  And he was breathing. In a normal pattern. Unlike his mama who sounded like an injured deer. I needed a minute....

And unfortunately Porter's birth was a soft premonition of what that little boy would teach his mama....I was screaming when he came out and have yet to stop.

** to all you mamas out there that actually choose and opt to go natural...a) I hope you were a lot more prepared than I was! and b) I bow down to you, you're freakin warriors.


**oh yeah, giveback winner is announced tomorrow. It's not too late, go enter!