Taboo Part II: Mama's about to get Brave

Back to boob jobs. I feel like it's very accessible to hear, "If it's going to make you happy and feel better about yourself, then you should absolutely do it." Which is fine. But I think that other route of not compromising your own standards and still arriving at happiness- I feel like that voice gets suffocated. I don't  want a boob job. I don't want to feel self-conscious. For a long time, these seemed liked opposing goals. I felt the only way I could satisfy one, was by breaking the other. But I've found a way for those desires to co-exist. And that is why I share my thoughts on this subject.

So I laugh at myself thinking I could leave the boob job subject without saying anything else. I've done nothing but think ever since I published that post. More than anything, I was curious: what got me to the point where I neither wanted a boob job nor felt insecure  about my "nubbies"? I wanted to cement the evolving thoughts I've had over the last few years.

When we first moved into our current home, I got to work decorating, which was a new skill to me. I knew very little about it and had been exposed to more or less one genre of home decor- traditional. So that's what I went with. I started furnishing my home with traditional pieces. I always had a hard time making decisions and bought things that filled the space even though I wasn't sure if it was a good fit. And time after time...I was disappointed with the outcome. And finally after some experience and exposure, the source of the disappointment clicked: My decorating genre of choice isn't traditional. Which is why I had a hard time making decisions. Which is why nothing ever turned out satisfying to me. I was choosing "pieces" for a genre that wasn't the most appealing to me, which inevitably turned into a home that wasn't aesthetically appealing to me. The second I realized contemporary was more my style, with a coastal flare, decorating became A LOT easier. I more quickly could make decisions because I actually liked the "pieces" I was picking. And the individual pieces came together to create the overall look I was going for. I was satisfied.

I feel like we are all subject to our own judgments. Kinda obvious, right? I mean isn't that how we determine what decorating style is ours? We see friends' and families' houses, and magazines, and TV shows and our judgments essentially generate what we like, how we want to decorate. And so it goes with people. Although we say we shouldn't judge people, we all do. Sorry, that's the truth. Even if it's subconscious. EVEN... if it's subconscious... and then corrected. Those judgments may change with perspective, deepen with time or remain the same. But the fact remains: we judge, I judge. And those judgments are determinants in, what I would term, the underlying question. The question that all my thinking and head-spinning and analyzing and scattered thoughts have brought me to over the last week can be narrowed down to one question....What kind of person do I want to become?

When I see "me" in 20 years, I envision this down-to-earth, cultured girl. I still see me in my favorite jeans and t-shirt. Possibly with some cute Chuck Taylors. Or Toms. Or flip flops. I see someone who has maintained an approachable persona, which allows my circle of influence to be diverse, ranging from the rich to the poor, and everyone in between. I don't want to have my identity associated with things. In fact, I really want to avoid that identity if at all possible.

Now I'll tell you what, who would have thought there could be so many decisions and tweaks and turns that could threaten this vision of me! A couple years ago when I was thinking about getting a new car, I kinda entertained the idea of getting this one Mercedes SUV, can't remember what model it was. But it was beautiful. And safe. And would fit my family. That is why I would be buying it, not for status. Not just so I could say I drive a Mercedes.  And then it was an expensive designer purse that was tempting me. Not that I cared that it was designer! But the leather just felt and looked like such better quality. Shoot, it even smelled better. And then there was private school. I didn't even want to look into private school but couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to. And so I did. And I loved it. I mean, what's not to love? Your child getting more individual attention, more amenities, better equipment, etc. And this made the whole private/public school decision stomach churning as I knew it would cause a deviance off my path. And I felt a sigh of relief when we decided to go with public school. I feel like for mainstream America, these decisions had the possibility of turning me into a less approachable person.

And then there was the boob job decision. In thinking about a boob job, I always felt like I was the perfect candidate. I had an absolutely flat chest and only wanted a nice, full A cup that would give my body just a little bit of proportion. That's all I was asking for. I didn't want anything over the top, even though you know I'd still be tempted to flaunt my full A's- possibly small B's- just a little. Now here I'm about to go...I'm sharing MY thoughts, and I'm going to do it honestly. Somewhere along the way, I started associating negative connotations with boob jobs, which essentially means I was judging boob jobs in a negative way. I could pretty up the language to make me not sound so judgmental, but I'm gonna tell it like it is. And thus began the conflict....I wanted a boob job and felt like I wanted it for the right reasons, but at the same time, I wanted to get the boob job, AND be the exception to the rule. I felt  like a boob job would project me into a stereo-type that I didn't belong in and didn't want to be associated with.  Same reasons I would be hesitant to drive a Mercedes, do private school, etc. So the question really posed itself: what was more important to me....having boobs or not being lumped into that category? And that question tug-o-warred back in forth in my mind for a long time.

Kind of along these same lines is another point. I remember pin-pointing a key to my happiness, and if you ask me, to happiness in general. It was a little more than 6 years ago and I felt myself "wanting" clothes more. And I didn't like that feeling, that feeling of "wanting".  I didn't like it because I knew it was insatiable...incapable of being satisfied or appeased. And thus was formed one of my principles of happiness: having as few wants as possible. I put that on a quick trial run and agreed with myself to not buy clothes for 3 1/2 months. I was about 99% successful- I think I spent a total of $10 on clothes during the allotted time. And it deepened my opinion: If you're not always wanting for things {not just clothes}, you're happy with your current state. You're not looking for the next best thing, you're not waiting for your kids to get to the next stage, or just waiting for your next vacation. I want to put my mental energy to more meaningful use. Obviously that doesn't mean I never buy clothes and I never want for things, but I definitely try to put all that on the back burner.

Over the last few years as I've thought about a boob job, and even tried to talk myself into getting one- it felt all too familiar of just "wanting" something. I was unsettled with this want for a couple reasons. At the risk of sounding all about myself, I'm still going to choose to be honest. Ya'll, this body of mine has been through phases. And let me quickly highlight my 18-22 year old phase. I could do it in one word- rough. ROUGH. But I don't think that would be super satisfying to you as readers. So a little more details, we're talking bigger girl like a tight size 13/14- still with my 5 foot 9 inch frame-, pasty white skin, frizzy curly hair with very little shape and color ranging from just natural- which is a dull brownish-blonde- to....orange. Not good-looking years for me. And then, all of a sudden {well, over a few years} I  metamorphosized into this lean 5' 9 girl, who easily slides into a size 4/6, my face retains a natural sun kiss, erasing it's pasty past, and my hair and I have figured a thing or two out. And I want to complain about having no boobs? That bothered me- the notion that I was entitled to have it all. Or like it was owed to me to right a wrong. That dissatisfaction with being dissatisfied.... for right now, it seems to be winning out over being dissatisfied with my nubbies. You get what I'm saying?!! I guess my stubborn self is more determined to fix that than the boobies. I just want to be happy with myself how I am.

Admittedly, it's been a "dig deep" sort of exercise to not give in to getting a boob job. I thought I was missing that touch of femininity....until I reframed my thinking and realized a beautiful collar bone that is best framed by a small chest offers a beautiful gesture of womanhood. I thought I was settling for something less...until I was conscious of the bigger picture I was fighting for. And this realization caused me to find some strength and hold on. Essentially, it's the strength that brought me to decision end.

This all seems like heavy talk for just a boob job. But maybe it's really more about my innate self-worth I was looking for. Which is why this line of thinking can be applied to so many things that we struggle with- it's not just valid for boob jobs. Now I know I get to typing and start sounding all preachy and "my way or the highway" but that's not for real how I am. I do start writing a bit passionately because, FOR ME, I do feel passionately about these things. Because these are my dreams and my goals. I'm learning that life isn't so much good or bad, right or wrong. In so many things, it's more a question of, Does this put you on the path you want to be on? Are you aware of where this decision is taking you? And getting in a pattern of going against some of these things puts my dreams at risk. And I'm trying to protect them.

Now back to the house decorating. Once I revamped things and went with the contemporary/coastal feel, it's not like I was completely chained to that genre. Throughout the house, I definitely have some furniture and decor that falls more into the category of traditional, and some that are closer to modern. My goal is for the OVERALL feel to be contemporary.

I see how it would be so easy to lose the vision of what I want to be. I know I already have a lot of ticks going against. And if you look at a lot of these isolated decisions, individually they don't put you at risk. But pretty soon, I've decided to get a Mercedes, I'm walking around with my Chloe purse, my kids are all in private school, and I got my fake boobs and nothing but designer clothes. According to me- which is all that really matters- there's nothing that spells down-to-earth and approachable about this person. And it would be so easy to become this person looking at each decision without perspective, without taking my bigger picture into account. And then the overall "feel" is going for, is lost.

And for you, maybe your judgment of boob jobs puts them into the category of "no importance" for the kind of person you want to become. And maybe, it puts them into the category of "sign me up." And that's ok. I have friends and family that have traditional homes, and I still hang out in them even though it's not my personal style!

Ok, I'm done, off my platform. Now go on ahead and feel free to start pointing out my discrepancies. I'll start. I kinda hate that I love diet Coke. And that I drink way too much of it. And I know I shouldn't be listening to music that talks about getting drunk, and smoking weed, and having sex with your wife..and not in those words {name that song!} Those details aren't part of the person I want to be. And I won't drive a Mercedes yet I'll be looking for every opportunity to roll in my baby's Range Rover. I know. Doesn't make much sense. I just outlined my philosophies, but we all know I don't have a capable bone in my body that can abide by them 100% or even close! And that is what we are dealing with here....

Alright ya'll, I just bore my soul and put some of my very personal opinions out there. Don't pull a Yosh and go silent! I need you to write something so I know that it's all gonna be ok! If you diasgree, or agree, or have other insights...just give me something!