{Dear Diary}

Dear little diary de mio,

I know we haven't talked in a while. I've been a bit evasive, possibly even MIA if you will. But something happened and I wanted to share it with SOMEONE... and I figured you the most appropriate - possibly the only appropriate- audience.

Why you? Well, who else am I going to talk to about fighting with my husband? It can be a bit awkward, you know. But I have the best news EVER.

Ok, so maybe not ever. But let's settle at I have good news. And....I feel like giving myself a big ole pat on the back! Wanna know why?
I found success! Can you believe it, successful fighting. With my husband!

Now, diary, before you go all crazy telling me, "why would you ever be bragging about fighting and I should slap you in the face for such disrespect..."

...will you give me a minute?

Let a girl explain herself.

Por favor.

I remember when we first got married, we were committed to not be fighters. We wanted to have a yell-free home when we had kids and figured we might as well just start off on that note, ya know. That meant we would have to work things out and calmly address dissatisfaction, disagreements, disappointments, and all other 'd' words with out yelling matches. And guess-- just GUESS-- what my first alternate method was?

Ok, you got it. Soooo predictable, huh?!! THE SILENT TREATMENT. Us silly girls! Why do we ever think that'll get through to our sweet boys....they're in heaven when we're quiet! They don't notice that a thing is a matter with us. And even if they do....they're enjoying the silence! Rookie mistake.

And besides the fact that it solved NOTHING, I felt pretty childish giving the silent treatment. So that didn't last long.

From there I moved to something more like the "suppressive method." Like, I would try to talk myself out of being mad. Give myself every reason to tell myself I shouldn't be feeling the way I was feeling.

Yea, that didn't last either. Issues always find surface. The deeper/longer I bury them, it's with more vengeance when they finally break surface.

So scratch that idea. My next developmental phase- do you think it's ok if I call it that? I think I like the idea of looking at the whole thing as a process, a project if you will. Anyway my next developmental phase had me bringing up subjects, and trying to talk about them BUT....backing down when one of us got heated. Because, remember....we weren't gonna be fighters. So we didn't get to the bottom of the problem.

But with issues coming in as happens in all relationships, and not many going out because of my failed methodologies, I made a decision....I was gonna become a Fighter! Yea baby! And a yeller, too, if needs be. WATCH...OUT!

And with this decision, we got to the root of an issue or two. No backing down over here! I was finding my voice and expressing it and solving my piece and it felt GOOD!

That taught me-- get to the bottom of issues. If you're not satisfied, don't be afraid to talk about it again. And more.  And again. Until I was satisfied. EVERY GUY'S WORST NIGHTMARE! I loved the feeling of really dissolving the problem COMPLETELY and not have it keep resurfacing because we never had found the root.

But....I didn't love the whole yelling thing.

This last time.....well.....we nailed it! We did it! And we did it right!

I got my feelings hurt. He knew he hurt my feelings. He knew he had screwed up. I knew he knew he had screwed up. He said he was sorry. I told his it was ok. And HERE...is where I did something different than I had really been doing before.

Before, I thought I had to be MAD to justify needing time and space. But that's not true. Just a natural consequence of being hurt is a wound and even when it doesn't hurt anymore, the wound is still open. And it naturally takes just a little bit of time to heal up. And that's what my soul was going through....sorry! {But not really.} I needed time and space even though I wasn't mad.

  

We talked about the issue, and were very direct, I said my piece, he said his, and even though we understood each other...it felt good to be true to what I was feeling and just SAY I needed a little bit of space for a couple of days. I was over the issue, I wasn't holding anything over his head, I wasn't resentful about anything....I just needed time to get that little open wound all closed up.

And guess what? It closed up! Completely. Without a scar. Without a lingering infection that was bound to show it's ugly face again.

We did it without yelling. Without silence. Without faking that everything was okay when it wasn't.  Without rushing the healing process out of guilt.

We did it with respect. With honesty. With patience. With understanding.

It felt good.

I think after all these years I've figured out a thing or two, about being true to myself, about validating my feelings, about being true to my husband {he deserves to know when I'm hurt}  and trusting him...that he'll let me come back after I'm done hurting.

So, that's all. That's my confession. I'm already feeling you pat my back. And feel free to use this tactic, little miss diary...it's a good one and I know you got to be getting a few paper cuts among all the ones you're handing out!

xoxo,
la gay gay-cita