Confessions

Ahhhh well hello blog confessional. Feels good to come and just dump.  In a place where I know my secrets are safe. FYEO. As we used to write in seventh grade...for your eyes only.
So here's my confession: I have a nanny. Not just a baby-sitter. A nanny. One that lives with me.
Which obviously means I'm lazy. And that my life is easy. And that I sleep 12 hours a day. And that I do nothing except pamper myself all day long. Because hellllooooo why else would a stay-at-home mom need a nanny? Speaking of, I wonder if my kids still know who their mom is.......
Ok ok ok I'm done with the sarcasm!
But I'm going to say, being a female comes with it's challenges. And I write, non-hesitantly, that we're quick to judge each other. If you're not feeling secure, I can show you a thousand reasons why you are absolutely warranted in your insecurity. Piercing looks, snarky comments, degrading judgements are a dime a dozen. Self-confidence is without a doubt something that comes from, well....within self. From deep inside. It resides pretty deep until we've been putting in good practice and the confidence rises closer and closer to surface, taking over, and hopefully becomes second nature. Second nature to believe in ourselves. To put a block on the negativity that is sent our way, to graciously accept although not thrive on the positivity that comes our way.
Have you ever read the book  You are Special?  {I attached the You Tube reading of it so you can see/hear the words.}

Oh it's a good read, ya'll! Kady gifted this children's book to our family a couple years ago. It's a message that applies to kids and adults alike. That preaches the idea of letting both the negative and the positive comments bounce off of you just the same, of getting your value from your Maker.
It's something I've been trying to work on. On both ends. I've been trying to be less affected by other's perceived judgements and I've been striving to cast fewer judgements, to approach people with a more open mind. 
It's tempting to tell you all our process of how we a) ended up with a nanny and b) one that lives in our home. It's also tempting to sell the points of everything I still do and don't ask for help with to convince you all that I'm still a good mom. Or to promote how this is a good, out-of-home experience for someone who was looking for just that.
But I'm going to refrain.  I don't want to justify, explain, or anything else. 
I will say this was a risky move for me- letting someone come in and share the reign with me. Not because I have trouble sharing the reign (although that could be debatable!), but because although I'm desperately trying to let go of what people think of me, say about me, judge me for....I'm not completely there. And I knew this luxury decision was opening up to a new wave of criticism, and essentially, losing the respect of some people I care about. And some people I don't care about, to be honest. And regardless of which of those two categories the nay-sayers fall into, it still makes me cringe to think of someone viewing me in a less than positive light. A personal issue that I'm working on, as already said.
But the bigger lesson has come from my friends who have genuinely been happy for me. Who have listened without any judgment, jealousy, or resentment. Who have given me the gift of acceptance and non-judgement. For not liking me only when I was exactly like them. For not hating me when I had something they didn't have. For valuing me and my full-time job of mothering. Their acceptance has been the example of how I'm striving to be. To not let a label be how I define you. To be less judgmental. To learn to love an individual as is.
And this has a lot more to do with than an insignificant, disinterested matter of a nanny. It has so much more to do with the fact that I feel like I have been blessed with a strong, handful of girlfriends that are individually and quietly fighting the war of women breaking each other down, their solid examples of the notion that we don't have to be each others' enemies but rather cheerleaders.

So to those of you who have belittled my mothering abilities for me for having a nanny... you mean nothing to me. And to those of you who have made me feel like the world's best mom.... your words don't make me.
Although neither of those statements are completely true,  I hope one day they are.