ASK GAY

Friday, dishing Friday.

It has arrived.

Welcome to our inaugural column of....

Since I have been married, I have lost all my friends. And have not made any new ones. Not for a lack of trying. I have never been so un-likeable I guess. I dislike the people at church, they are not friendly (AT ALL). Our pre-wedding friends aren't people we want to be friends with. How do grown-ups make friends? 

~The Single Mrs.

Dear Single Mrs.,

Join the ranks of people that thought with uttering the words I do, they were sealing the deal....and leaving the dreaded dating world as part of their past. Well, add this to the list, of "Things People Don't Tell You About getting Married." Because getting married simply catapults dating to the next level of difficulty. Instead of the challenge being one person looking to fall in love with one other person, a freshly picked handful of obstacles have been thrown into the course, challenging you to finish if you will. Yes, this is called couples dating. Where you have to meet another wife that you get along with. That is only step one. You have to hope and pray that your husband likes her as well. And by like her, I simply mean that she doesn't absolutely annoy him and that he can at least put up with her. And then, there's just one more step- that your husband and her husband have chemistry. If all boxes are checked, you will FINALLY have friends. So if it is taking you longer than expected to jump through all these loop holes-- don't be alarmed. It is a long road to cut and a dirty one, too. And you're not carving it alone.

So while the tips might seem juvenile, they're legit- don't discount them!

1) Be the kind of friend that you're looking for. What are the characteristics that attract you to people? Strive to develop those. You will attract that kind.

2) Give yourself the liberty to decide whether or not you're "attracted" to a certain person. Sometimes we get so caught up in being desperate and wondering if people like us that we forget to ask ourselves if we even like the person we're trying to "date". 

3) Ask a lot of questions about the other person. Show genuine interest and concern in them. Be willing to be open and vulnerable with them when they ask you questions.

4) Going along with #3, while being open and vulnerable, don't divulge too much. Give the relationship a chance to develop before telling all. For instance, say you've been divorced before. It is very appropriate to tell someone that. In fact, that's an awesome way to demonstrate being vulnerable. However, it is inappropriate to divulge every detail of your divorce on the first, or even second date, how your ex is an a-hole and everything he did wrong, etc etc. There is such thing as TMI if you're wanting friendships to grow! There will be a time to "tell all" if you get to that point!

5) Invite, invite, invite. Be proactive. Don't sit around waiting for anyone to ask you out. Introduce yourself. Find activities that both people/couples/families will like and don't shy away from inviting. Even if you've been previously rejected. And here's the good news, you always have your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend if everyone else says no or if the whole thing ends up being a bust. Get confidence knowing you won't be completely shafted and that someone has your back!

6) Be your biggest fan. You are AWESOME and you must believe it. This doesn't mean you have to go around shouting it from the roof tops, but if you believe you are someone worth hanging out with, others will feel it. Don't get in your own way by {mentally} declaring yourself unlikeable. Confidence is such an attractive and magnetic attribute. YOU ARE AWESOME!

7) Now that you're an adult, you might as well give a big welcome to your new arch nemesis....TIME. There's never enough time, and everything takes more time. And friendship is no exception. Gone are the teen-age days where you meet someone you click with and then hang out 24/7 thus becoming BFFs in the first week. In adult time, that equals like 6 months. At best. Don't let time defeat you or discourage you. It will take time to develop those friendships.

8) Discard judgment. If there was ever a time to stop being judgmental...well, here it is! Throw out your preconceived notions, your unsupported theories, and your snotty facial expression. Be open to being friends with someone 10 years older than you or ten years younger than you, or someone from a different walk of life. Be open to meeting new and different kind of people that would've never made it into your teenage circle!

9) Live your life being happy, doing your thing, and making memories.  You are in control of creating the life, memories, and experiences that you envision. Don't wait for anyone. If others want to jump on board and join, even better. But you're not waiting for them.

Good luck!

xoxo, gay

*per AGNG readers on Facebook, it sounds like people LOVE adult friendships better...now that they've made them! Time is your best friend!

So that's what I have. If you have any follow-up questions, ask in the comment section and I'll reply to them in the comment section also! And PLEASE do add...what's your 2 cents?! Share, por favor.....there are friendships at stake!

**Have a question? Send it in to agirlnamedgay@gmail.com  Remember...anything goes in this column!