ASK GAY: PORN

Do you know my second favorite thing about the ASK GAY column?

That the title is already determined.

Seriously saves me stress cells.

My first favorite thing?

Writing the column.

Here we go!

So, I have a question for you!  It's gettin' down deep, so feel free to keep it very simple, or get deep, but something I've been wondering about ever since your post about your amazing miracle with your friend and the "eat my scabs" girl.  I know if anyone has some good thoughts on this topic, it's you!

 Ever since I read your post about your miracle, I also started reading eat my scabs periodically.  Her stories are so intriguing and she's an amazing writer!  But when I read her and the other women's stories, I can't help but start having weird thoughts that all men have a pornography problem!  My husband and I talk about it, he's very open and honest that he has many struggles, but that this is not one of them (for which he is SO grateful!), and I've never had that gut feeling to ever question his honesty. I'm just wondering how you and Yosh approach this topic.  Do you talk about it often?  Do you just trust that if there's ever a problem he will tell you?  I never want to be that naive girl that so many of the women were before they found the problem.  But I also don't want to ever question my husbands integrity because he has never done anything for me to question it.  So if you have any tidbits of wisdom on how you guys handle this problem that is devastating for way too many marriages, please share!!!  You're the best Gay!
This is my blog post she's referencing. Here is the Eat My Scabs blog she's referencing.
So where to start with this, right??! Now, as always, these are simply my opinions and my approach to life. I have no idea how well I'm doing in the spectrum of success. So take everything I do and say as just that- one opinion, one possible path.
Here we go. I was blown away by these blogs and what they revealed as well- husbands being addicted to sex and pornography and everything in between. When I spent too much time on these blogs or had too many conversations with friends involved about the subject and their deceitful husbands, I was a walking paranoia bomb. Nothing was safe, no one was clean, everyone was evil. At least every man. I wasn't a huge fan of that mentality-- expecting the worse of every male. It isn't the lens through which I want to view life. When I became aware of how all of this was affecting me, I made some changes. I was very careful of how often I had such heavy conversations of the subject matter and I stopped reading the blogs so often. Educationally, I felt they were great blogs to stumble up on. I enjoyed them for awhile. I learned a lot. After they had "served their purpose", {as explained in the Miracle blog post}, I also felt it was time to distance myself from reading and hearing about these poisons so often. We don't ever remain at a constant in life- we're always moving up or down, being influenced for the good or the bad. And although these weren't "bad" blogs, they were beginning to act as a negative influence in my life. So I lessened my reading time. The lens through which we see life is greatly influenced by where we spend our time and energy. 
What I LOVED about this whole experience was my eyes were opened. I was no longer ignorant in this subject. I no longer fit onto the category of "I NEVER knew," or "I NEVER would have thought." And truth be told, I'm appreciative of that knowledge. I no longer put this kind of behavior past anyone. Yosh included. Would I be surprised if he started in on this behavior? To say the least. But I've taken on the mentality of never say never. And truth be told, I like feeling like the blinders were taken off.
That being said, I cannot waste time and energy worrying about the 'what ifs'. I cannot micromanage Yosh's character so that he never falls into these habits. Ever since before we got married, I periodically ask Yosh when was the last time he looked at porn. I also ask Yosh a lot of other questions. Does he have any money things going on that I don't know about? Does he have any email addresses that I don't know about? Is there ANYTHING he's hiding from me? I do this for two reasons. Knowing he's going to be asked these types of questions periodically gives a small sense of accountability. Of course, he could choose to lie. We all get to choose how to conduct ourselves and I'm not saying that simply asking procures pure honesty. But sometimes knowing we're going to have to answer to someone sways our decision in that decision-making moment. And secondly, it's a reoccurring and {somewhat} comfortable conversation so hopefully as little things arise, we'll be more likely to approach them. And if we talk about small things, there's a greater chance they won't grow to be big things. Of course I don't at all think this little routine is a complete deterrence of falling off a desirable path. But I can honestly say that I don't worry about all the What Ifs. And I'll tell you why.
Along with feeling like my eyes were opened, I feel like this whole experience encouraged me to let go. To love but to also let go. Probably also known as loving without attachment. If devastating circumstances enter my life- which at some point they will in one form or another- I will deal with it when it arrives. But I don't want my happiness to be completely tied to my marriage, my husband, my kids, etc. I hope that I can always be on the path of making myself a more independently happy, healthy individual. I have to let go of the possible choices other people make (especially someone as close to me like my husband may make). I've focused more on gaining confidence in myself as an individual and hoping that those I love the most will stay on a somewhat parallel path as mine so that we can share and enjoy life together.  As I say way too much, I am responsible for me. I hope I can be a good example/companion/support for my husband, but in the end he makes his own choices. And to reiterate, I hope his choices and my choices are in sync enough that we traverse our journey together.
And this kind of bleeds into my last point. Going to church regularly doesn't necessarily make someone Christian. Being skinny doesn't necessarily mean someone is healthy. And not looking at porn doesn't necessarily mean a person is of good morale. There's a lot of things going on in our inner workings that aren't depicted on the outside. So just because your husband doesn't look at porn {or says he doesn't look at porn and you don't believe him}, doesn't mean everything is okay. Are you satisfied in your relationship? Or do you feel like it's not where you want it to be? Are you being treated the way you want, do you feel respected, etc? If pornography isn't a problem in your marriage right now and you want to keep it that way, shift your focus to work on character building principles. My little boys know nothing about porn, yet I've already started the footwork to hopefully help them choose to not have that as part of their life. And it's not by saying, "Porn is bad, don't ever look at it." Instead, I'm trying to teach them that their bodies are amazing. That families are not to be messed with. That mom and Kaia are to be respected. That our individual decisions put us on a path. Are we on the path we want to be on? As these seeds that we're planting grow, hopefully it will develop character that consciously chooses not to look at porn and use sex as recreation. So in marriage, I think it's that same idea, pouring our energy into continually building relationships of trust and respect with our partner. Strengthening communication and teamwork. If we are deliberately putting our focus in these areas that lead to good character and strong marriage, chances are we might be able to avoid the pitfalls of porn and sex addiction. I'm more concerned about the overall path that we're on rather than a single isolated act.
This is simply my individual story, my unique viewpoint-- please take it as such!
As always, please ask any follow up questions in the comment section. And guess where I will answer them?? YES! in the comment section.
What do you have to add? How do you all deal with sensitive issues in your home? Do you openly talk about porn? What have you found to help?

*** Have a question for ASK GAY? Email me at agirlnamedgay@gmail.com and I'll give you my two cents!!