Renewed

I don't quite know what took me to the Desert this time. Maybe I was trying to put to test the saying "the third time's the charm." Because this was Desert trip number 3 for the month of March. I've mentioned once before that I always feel the threat of running away. It's often a tempting thought lurking in my consciousness, seducing me with it's freedom. Running away from what, exactly? I'm not quite sure. Maybe just life and it's everyday pressures. It's the mirage that something better awaits on the other side of responsibility and accountability and love. But it's a lie. And I know that.  So I don't run. I stay put and do my best in real life with my real family and my real friends and my real home. Anyway, to completely contradict everything I just said, this weekend I had the urge to runaway. And I did.  The catch? With all four kids. Which sounded like quite an undertaking but I wanted to try it. Yosh was out of town and I was chasing an extra 20 degrees and selfish time where I could just be mom and no one else. Last week death was on my mind. Through Facebook and other ways, I learned of two families that had suffered the death of a second child in their family that week. And to be honest, it kind of made me a little mad. And for lack of a better word, I'm going to use one of my most not favorite words, but it made it seem like life wasn't fair. And sometimes I get this feeling in my heart. I don't know if it's simply fear that something like that could happen to me, or if it's foreshadowing that something like this is going to happen to me, or if it's simply a reminder of reality- that life is fragile and just as easily of having years and years ahead of us with our loved ones, we might only have today-, but I had that one feeling in my heart and I just wanted to hold my kids close and give them my all. And I don't always do that, the giving them my all part. I often feel spread thin and distracted with my heads in the clouds or I feel exhausted or I have an out with a husband and nanny to help. I didn't want any outs- not a backyard, TV, Wii, or nanny.
So we went, and the high moments were pretty amazing. The lows were pretty conclusive as well- I would be a crappy single mom. I'm so proud of all of you that do it alone. Thank you for not giving up, for not running away. You are awesome. But the high moments trumped and prevailed. And they were so simple. Dallin and Porter's favorite part of the trip? Playing tennis. All five of us went to a court and hit the ball. Deeter was the ball boy, Kaia was a destructor, and us other three tried to strike up some rallies. We did that both nights. And those boys independently said each night, more than once, "Mom, this is so much fun." That's all I had to do to satisfy the kids and create awesomeness for them. Needless to say, I'm going to make more of an effort to go play tennis with them. We snuck off and played cards while the babies napped, we did lots of swimming, we rode the Aerial Tram to the top of the mountain where we absolutely froze for the 30 seconds we were outside. We ate food at McDonalds and poolside. The weekend was all about them and doing things that catered to them. No forced adult meals or TV shows or anything else. It was special. I'm coming back with a clearer vision and a renewed energy to be the kind of mom I want to be. I hope I can keep it up for a bit. If not, I guess the good news is I can always run away again to remember...with all 4 kids by my side.